writing all wrongs

If you were going to perform in the circus, what would you do?

2011-08-18T10:56:00.001-07:00

i know this is the question of the day, and its kinda awesome that it is, so i'll answer it.
i would have done the silks of hand balancing :)

*~ ask me, tell me, disturb me, kiss me, kill me ~*

i.have.creative.blockage.

2011-01-14T16:32:00.000-08:00

2010-11-01T20:00:00.001-07:00

2010-09-24T17:23:00.000-07:00

2010-09-24T17:20:00.001-07:00

2010-09-22T00:14:00.000-07:00

2010-09-01T19:59:00.003-07:00

2010-09-01T19:59:00.001-07:00

2010-09-01T19:58:00.001-07:00

prancing cera

2010-09-01T18:55:00.001-07:00

2010-08-25T05:55:00.000-07:00

2010-08-11T20:02:00.001-07:00

2010-08-11T14:25:00.001-07:00

Waiting is the hardest part.

What does Love mean to you?

2010-08-11T06:43:00.001-07:00

everything.

*~ ask me, tell me, disturb me, kiss me, kill me ~*

2010-08-09T18:05:00.001-07:00

"And could you please not leave the hair on the damn soap? Its disgusting. Repulsive"

2010-08-06T23:38:00.001-07:00

There's so much I want to tell you. (Its everything I don't want you to know)

2010-07-31T19:15:00.001-07:00

Good times :)

2010-07-27T18:48:00.001-07:00

F*ck yea tequila and sprite at fallout lounge!

2010-07-25T09:51:00.001-07:00

2010-07-08T07:36:00.000-07:00

...apparently unaffected...

2010-06-27T06:55:00.001-07:00

i dont want to be captivating, because once i have that person, i dont know what to do with them.

2010-06-23T15:24:00.001-07:00

2010-06-23T14:40:00.000-07:00

6/20/10

2010-06-21T06:36:00.000-07:00

Sinless eyes with a lush smile
and jellybean soul
Unseasoned and unripe
to your mysteries
Simple and awkward touch,
you traced my face
in the gleaming light of the sappire sky
Timid pink artless lips fumble
onto cherry kisses, so sweet
Under the yellow sun we
run our fingers through the soft grass
Painted, dew laced flowers
cloud my mind and thoughs of tomorrow
Wrap your generous hands
around my open mind
Bury your head in my heart
and I’ll throw my doubts to the breeze
*This is where I want to be*

2010-06-20T08:47:00.001-07:00

2010-05-31T11:28:00.000-07:00

2010-05-30T09:05:00.001-07:00

5/29/10

2010-05-30T09:04:00.000-07:00

I don't always know why I do it.

Good,

bad,

ugly,

loving,

hateful or

malicious...

Its just me.

I won't apologize for it.

2010-05-30T09:02:00.001-07:00

2010-05-30T09:01:00.001-07:00

2010-05-30T09:00:00.000-07:00

2010-05-23T14:59:00.001-07:00

And its all down from here :(

2010-05-22T19:16:00.001-07:00

the glittery fireflies
of this summer night,
glisten,
glow,
reflect off my skin
and remind me
of you.

I Believe...

2010-05-04T21:46:00.001-07:00

That every relationship needs an evaluation period. Also an option for extension or termination. Along with readily available “Terms Of Service”. Perhaps if every relationship had this, there would be no more bs excuses like “I left my cds in his truck” to not part ways. There would be options to get more of what you need, or keep it simple. Or if there were compensation due to damages, heartache, and early termination, there may be less infidelity. And maybe even when one does decide to extend the “term”, the device would continue to perform up to standards and be willing to offer and keep up exceptional service in order to extend said “lease”.

Just sayin, if we treated love like a mobile network, we wouldnt have to reach out to touch someone.

My contract is up, not sure if im willing to extend.

“Sorry, you just don’t have the plan that I need”.

2010-05-04T21:45:00.001-07:00

HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO

2010-04-29T20:51:00.000-07:00

Expressionism --An art style that focuses on the emotions of the personal feelings of an artist, not on formal composition.

2010-04-26T23:56:00.001-07:00

2010-04-25T00:17:00.001-07:00

2010-04-21T01:41:00.001-07:00

apparently unaffected

2010-04-20T00:59:00.000-07:00

Thorny chain of words

slip from your careless mouth

slicing my skin on the way through.

A stumble on a slippery lip

saves me from scarring your thought

with unkind words.

Your proud hands, full of lovely bones

fumbling on mistakes

of the weak.

Strong eyes

creep on the hemlines of sin.

(everyone has a weakness)

Bony lies

shake and rattle

on every word.

These patient sins

scrape the surface

through echos of silence.

All that is not said

sit in the dark

between all I have

and all you refuse.

(apparently unaffected)

2010-04-19T14:32:00.001-07:00

HURLING CROWBIRDS AT MOCKINGBARS (HOPE IS NOT A COURSE OF ACTION)-by Buddy Wakefield

2010-04-17T10:43:00.000-07:00

HURLING CROWBIRDS AT MOCKINGBARS (HOPE IS NOT A COURSE OF ACTION)

August 11, 2009

If we were created in God’s image
then when God was a child
he smushed fire ants with his fingertips
and avoided tough questions.
There are ways around being the go-to person
even for ourselves
even when the answer is clear
like the holy water Gentiles drank
before they realized Forgiveness
is the release of all hope for a better past.

I thought those were chime shells in your pocket
so I chucked a quarter at it
hoping to hear some part of you
respond on a high note.
You acted like I was hurling crowbirds at mockingbars
and abandoned me for not making sense.
Evidently, I don’t experience things as rationally as you do.

For example, I know mercy
when I have enough money to change the jukebox at a gay bar
(somebody’s gotta change that shit).
You understand the power of God’s mercy
whenever someone shoves a stick of morphine
straight up into your heart.
It felt amazing
the days you were happy to see me

so I smashed a beehive against the ocean
to try and make our splash last longer.
Remember all the honey
had me lookin’ like a jellyfish ape
but you walked off the water in a porcupine of light
strands of gold
drizzling out to the tips of your wasps.
This is an apology letter to the both of us
for how long it took me to let things go.

It was not my intention to make such a
production of the emptiness between us
playing tuba on the tombstone of a soprano
to try and keep some dead singer’s perspective alive.
It’s just that I coulda swore you had sung me a love song back there
and that you meant it
but I guess sometimes people just chew with their mouth open

so I ate ear plugs alive with my throat
hoping they’d get lodged deep enough inside the empty spots
that I wouldn’t have to hear you leaving
so I wouldn’t have to listen to my heart keep saying
all my eggs were in a basket of red flags
all my eyes to a bucket of blindfolds
in the cupboard with the muzzles and the gauze
ya know I didn’t mean to speed so far out and off
trying to drive all your nickels to the well
when you were happy to let them wishes drop

but I still show up for gentleman practice
in the company of lead dancers
hoping their grace will get stuck in my shoes.
Is that a handsome shadow on my breath, sweet woman
or is it a cattle call
in a school of fish? Still dance with me
less like a waltz for panic
more for the way we’d hoped to swing
the night we took off everything
and we were swingin’ for the fences

don’t hold it against
my love
you know I wanna breath deeper than this
you know I didn’t mean to look so serious
didn’t mean to act like a filthy floor
didn’t mean to turn us both into a cutting board
but there were knives s-stuck
in the words where I came from
too much time in the back of my words.
I pulled knives from my back and my words.
I cut trombones from the moment you slipped away

and I know it left me lookin’ like a knife fight, lady
yeah you know it left me feelin’ like a shotgun shell
you know I know I mighta gone and lost my breath
but I wanna show ya how I found my breath
to death
it was buried under all the wind instruments
hidden in your castanets
goddamn
if ya ever wanna know how it felt when ya left
yeah if you ever wanna come inside

just knock on the spot

where I finally pressed STOP

playing musical chairs with exit signs.

I’m gonna cause you a miracle
when you see the way I kept God’s image alive.

Forgiveness
is for anybody
who needs a safe passage through my mind.

If I was really created in God’s image
then when God was a boy
he wanted to grow up to be a man
a good man
and when God was a man
a good man
He started telling the truth in order to get honest responses.
He’d say,
“I know.
I really shoulda wore my cross
again
but I don’t wanna scare the gentiles off.”

2010-04-15T23:31:00.001-07:00

2010-04-13T21:57:00.001-07:00

2010-04-13T18:04:00.001-07:00

"What goes up... just might float away. What you're sure will leave... might stay." - amy steinberg

2010-04-06T12:02:00.001-07:00

<-- hates the male populous. (mostly)

all with a little inspiration...

2010-04-03T16:52:00.001-07:00

2010-03-28T13:55:00.000-07:00

2010-03-28T13:52:00.001-07:00

2010-03-28T13:51:00.000-07:00

3/28/10

2010-03-28T09:09:00.001-07:00

im lost.
   in that place.
   between sleep and awake.
awake enough to know they're only dreams,
   but asleep enough to hold on to them.

   (i want to stay here)

2010-03-27T21:10:00.001-07:00

Actions speak volumes. . . . . Why so quiet?

2010-03-24T05:29:00.001-07:00

"Rayne, you go to school in Hugo. Bailian, do you know where you go to school?" to which he replied, "to town. Like Santa Claus, to town"

2010-03-16T06:39:00.001-07:00

Bailian Maddox is officially 4!!! :)

2010-03-08T22:36:00.001-08:00

Even a stuffed bear offers more warmth than an empty bed.

2010-03-06T19:44:00.001-08:00

Apparently im a bad influece. I'll seduce your sons and covet your wives. Hurry and delete me cuz im comin' for you! Have a deviant day. if not, I can help :D

...hold on to that feeling.

2010-03-04T20:45:00.001-08:00

2010-03-02T12:50:00.001-08:00

"It aint over till its over" forllowed by that catchy elton john song. Hmmm... now I wanna kick the radios guts out :|

2010-03-01T23:05:00.001-08:00

... I don't really know what kind of girl I am.

formspring.me

2010-03-01T19:50:00.001-08:00

Its the silence that kills. When the faintest of whispers from your lips can save the world I fight for... its the silence that kills. I'll gladly wait a million years, I'll proudly wear a fools mask, just for an answer... may I kiss you?

:">

*~ ask me, tell me, disturb me, kiss me, kill me ~*

2010-02-22T05:21:00.001-08:00

Bailiam: I cheated Jaycee, I have 2 girlfriends. Me: You only need 1. Rayne: Bailian, you only need 1, or there will be too much girl trouble.

2010-02-19T14:42:00.001-08:00

"I got kicked off the reservation for not wanting the woman they picked as my bride, but wanting the pale faced german lady" -as said by our east indian cabbie

2010-02-16T06:39:00.001-08:00

"If I keep telling you "no", you'll believe it. (and maybe I will too)"

formspring.me

2010-02-10T17:28:00.001-08:00

I have infinite patience... Are you going to test it indefinitely? ;p

yes. with and without your clothes on.

*~ ask me, tell me, disturb me, kiss me, kill me ~*

2010-02-08T22:55:00.001-08:00

**pain killers do nothing for the soul**

2010-02-07T23:51:00.001-08:00

The rhythm of the falling rain
Flows to a gentle sway of thought
Between liquid dances
And the lonely beat of my heart

2010-02-06T07:00:00.001-08:00

Rayne: what's it like to be God? Me: ugh, that's a silly quuestion, no one could know that. Rayne: can't you google it?

dear Muse

2010-02-01T23:00:00.001-08:00

Unsympathetic whispers
   through swollen pink
   strawberry lips.
A siren
   hunting lonely hearts
   in search of desires victim.
Dear muse
   you're simply every breath of me
   you motivate my spirit
   you move my soul
   you inspire my essence
Don't just touch my soul
   kiss my lips
   feed my apetite
   for secrets and honey
You've infected me
   with sweet obsession
   tender lust
   and arduous need
There's no medicine
   no cure to passions merciless disease
   Its nearly fatal
and I vow never recover

your frame

2010-02-01T02:16:00.000-08:00

I sail over
your powerful

silhouette
And kiss
your salty skin
My sweet
wet lips
breathe you in
Our hearts
collide as the
oceans wave
(Back and forth,
forth and back)
I press
myself against
your soul
And growl
with delight
I show you
my heart,
its sweet

and full of

liquid depth
I feel
your breath
on my neck
as I pull
you closer
(don't let me go!)
And I anchor
my heart
to your frame

5:59am

2010-01-22T10:51:00.000-08:00

naked
   with emotion
vulnerable
   to one another's touch.
a tender gaze will soothe some
   fear
and soften the
   clash
to the mornings
   pitiless
   glow.

2009-12-28T15:15:00.000-08:00

... you spoke of life and love

a boy and a girl

happily ever after

i cried

as i realized, your fairy tales belong in books

not my heart.

no lies. just love. just us.

2009-12-27T20:42:00.001-08:00

2009-12-25T22:17:00.000-08:00

sometimes the WARMTH of another

can help ease the ABSENCE

of the

ONE

missing

2009-12-25T14:36:00.000-08:00

Love's quarrel makes path for the dawning of a new lover's journey

merciless hours

2009-12-23T19:52:00.001-08:00

So much to say

And no time to say it
You speak without thinking.
I think without speaking.
My full mind is restrained by my cold lips
…time slips through.
Me, with everything to lose, gave it all away… and promised nothing.
You, with nothing to lose, played it all, promised everything, and gave nothing in return.
…time is fleeting.
My memory wanders
What could we have done differently?
Happiness fades before us.
I always had hope knowing you had hope… and now I have nothing.
…time sets in.
Youth’s love overcome by youth’s folley
The damage is done.
I am a fool
…and time stops.

2009-12-23T19:51:00.001-08:00

The alarm sounds with another nights pass.
Time is fleeting and memory seeps through the cracks.
And a pile of hollow hearts left on the nightstand.

..I feel so lost in the dark..

2009-12-23T19:50:00.004-08:00

2009-12-23T19:50:00.003-08:00

i wished on a shooting star!

*and i wished for you :)

2009-12-23T19:50:00.001-08:00

Time sets in...

and my memory wanders...

What could we have done differently?

ccurielx3 blogs about...

2009-12-23T19:48:00.000-08:00

im sorry.

2009-12-19T23:16:00.002-08:00

2009-12-19T23:16:00.001-08:00

just because we've hit the ground, doesn't mean we're not still falling

last night...

2009-12-19T23:14:00.000-08:00

last night, i was so content just knowing i was by your side.

last night, was the first night i had been able to fall asleep beside you.

last night, like so many others, i awoke with the urge to kiss you.

last night, worked up the nerve to put my lips to your face, shoulder, and that soft spot on your neck.

i couldnt stop.

too bad it was our last night.

2009-12-19T23:12:00.002-08:00

3am.

a lonely girl.

sleepy eyes.

a kiss in the dark.

and a heavy heart.

a dream kept us together… reality tore us apart.

2009-12-19T23:12:00.001-08:00

2009-12-16T11:57:00.001-08:00

i have an exhausted brain. a tired mind. a heavy heart. and an aching stomach. life isnt always what you make it. people never cease to disappoint. to those of you that have not yet tasted the bittersweet irony... enjoy your meal.

2009-12-16T11:38:00.001-08:00

.....my head is still spinning.....

2009-12-16T11:13:00.001-08:00

Vengance Wears A Smile

2009-12-16T11:12:00.000-08:00

It could be all so perfect,
If it could be all so different

2009-12-14T21:28:00.001-08:00

Laying in a cold bed,

With a bleeding heart,

And unforgiving silence.

Are you?

ive got some serious nerve...?

2009-12-14T21:22:00.002-08:00

i had the nerve…

for being honest with you

to you

about me

and who i was.

i had the nerve to believe i wouldnt be punished for it.

i had the nerve…

to fall a little more everyday

to believe every word you said

and not believe you were who you were

or that you would do all you did

i had the nerve to stick around through the heartache.

and ive got the nerve…

to be happy

to be proud

to move on

to be me.

without you.

…some nerve…

2009-12-14T21:20:00.002-08:00

2009-12-14T21:18:00.004-08:00

i awaken and i am alone.

2009-12-14T21:17:00.001-08:00

an aching in my belly and numb throughout. solitude runs deeper than once believed, and it finds its way to the soul. boiling, festering and in turn, begging for comfort. for this- for anothers touch, we risk it all. we sacrifice the purist of hearts and risk the greatest of pains. all in hope, to not feel like this… when we wake up alone.

2009-12-14T20:55:00.002-08:00

im forgotten

2009-12-14T20:44:00.001-08:00

“

In these deep solitudes and awful cells,
Where heav’nly-pensive contemplation dwells,
And ever-musing melancholy reigns;
What means this tumult in a vestal’s veins?
Why rove my thoughts beyond this last retreat?
Why feels my heart its long-forgotten heat?
Yet, yet I love! — From Abelard it came,
And Eloisa yet must kiss the name.

Dear fatal name! rest ever unreveal’d,
Nor pass these lips in holy silence seal’d.
Hide it, my heart, within that close disguise,
Where mix’d with God’s, his lov’d idea lies:
O write it not, my hand — the name appears
Already written — wash it out, my tears!
In vain lost Eloisa weeps and prays,
Her heart still dictates, and her hand obeys.

Relentless walls! whose darksome round contains
Repentant sighs, and voluntary pains:
Ye rugged rocks! which holy knees have worn;
Ye grots and caverns shagg’d with horrid thorn!
Shrines! where their vigils pale-ey’d virgins keep,
And pitying saints, whose statues learn to weep!
Though cold like you, unmov’d, and silent grown,
I have not yet forgot myself to stone.
All is not Heav’n’s while Abelard has part,
Still rebel nature holds out half my heart;
Nor pray’rs nor fasts its stubborn pulse restrain,
Nor tears, for ages, taught to flow in vain.

Soon as thy letters trembling I unclose,
That well-known name awakens all my woes.
Oh name for ever sad! for ever dear!
Still breath’d in sighs, still usher’d with a tear.
I tremble too, where’er my own I find,
Some dire misfortune follows close behind.
Line after line my gushing eyes o’erflow,
Led through a sad variety of woe:
Now warm in love, now with’ring in thy bloom,
Lost in a convent’s solitary gloom!
There stern religion quench’d th’ unwilling flame,
There died the best of passions, love and fame.

Yet write, oh write me all, that I may join
Griefs to thy griefs, and echo sighs to thine.
Nor foes nor fortune take this pow’r away;
And is my Abelard less kind than they?
Tears still are mine, and those I need not spare,
Love but demands what else were shed in pray’r;
No happier task these faded eyes pursue;
To read and weep is all they now can do.

Then share thy pain, allow that sad relief;
Ah, more than share it! give me all thy grief.
Heav’n first taught letters for some wretch’s aid,
Some banish’d lover, or some captive maid;
They live, they speak, they breathe what love inspires,
Warm from the soul, and faithful to its fires,
The virgin’s wish without her fears impart,
Excuse the blush, and pour out all the heart,
Speed the soft intercourse from soul to soul,
And waft a sigh from Indus to the Pole.

Thou know’st how guiltless first I met thy flame,
When Love approach’d me under Friendship’s name;
My fancy form’d thee of angelic kind,
Some emanation of th’ all-beauteous Mind.
Those smiling eyes, attemp’ring ev’ry day,
Shone sweetly lambent with celestial day.
Guiltless I gaz’d; heav’n listen’d while you sung;
And truths divine came mended from that tongue.
From lips like those what precept fail’d to move?
Too soon they taught me ‘twas no sin to love.
Back through the paths of pleasing sense I ran,
Nor wish’d an Angel whom I lov’d a Man.
Dim and remote the joys of saints I see;
Nor envy them, that heav’n I lose for thee.

How oft, when press’d to marriage, have I said,
Curse on all laws but those which love has made!
Love, free as air, at sight of human ties,
Spreads his light wings, and in a moment flies,
Let wealth, let honour, wait the wedded dame,
August her deed, and sacred be her fame;
Before true passion all those views remove,
Fame, wealth, and honour! what are you to Love?
The jealous God, when we profane his fires,
Those restless passions in revenge inspires;
And bids them make mistaken mortals groan,
Who seek in love for aught but love alone.
Should at my feet the world’s great master fall,
Himself, his throne, his world, I’d scorn ‘em all:
Not Caesar’s empress would I deign to prove;
No, make me mistress to the man I love;
If there be yet another name more free,
More fond than mistress, make me that to thee!
Oh happy state! when souls each other draw,
When love is liberty, and nature, law:
All then is full, possessing, and possess’d,
No craving void left aching in the breast:
Ev’n thought meets thought, ere from the lips it part,
And each warm wish springs mutual from the heart.
This sure is bliss (if bliss on earth there be)
And once the lot of Abelard and me.

Alas, how chang’d! what sudden horrors rise!
A naked lover bound and bleeding lies!
Where, where was Eloise? her voice, her hand,
Her poniard, had oppos’d the dire command.
Barbarian, stay! that bloody stroke restrain;
The crime was common, common be the pain.
I can no more; by shame, by rage suppress’d,
Let tears, and burning blushes speak the rest.

Canst thou forget that sad, that solemn day,
When victims at yon altar’s foot we lay?
Canst thou forget what tears that moment fell,
When, warm in youth, I bade the world farewell?
As with cold lips I kiss’d the sacred veil,
The shrines all trembl’d, and the lamps grew pale:
Heav’n scarce believ’d the conquest it survey’d,
And saints with wonder heard the vows I made.
Yet then, to those dread altars as I drew,
Not on the Cross my eyes were fix’d, but you:
Not grace, or zeal, love only was my call,
And if I lose thy love, I lose my all.
Come! with thy looks, thy words, relieve my woe;
Those still at least are left thee to bestow.
Still on that breast enamour’d let me lie,
Still drink delicious poison from thy eye,
Pant on thy lip, and to thy heart be press’d;
Give all thou canst — and let me dream the rest.
Ah no! instruct me other joys to prize,
With other beauties charm my partial eyes,
Full in my view set all the bright abode,
And make my soul quit Abelard for God.

Ah, think at least thy flock deserves thy care,
Plants of thy hand, and children of thy pray’r.
From the false world in early youth they fled,
By thee to mountains, wilds, and deserts led.
You rais’d these hallow’d walls; the desert smil’d,
And Paradise was open’d in the wild.
No weeping orphan saw his father’s stores
Our shrines irradiate, or emblaze the floors;
No silver saints, by dying misers giv’n,
Here brib’d the rage of ill-requited heav’n:
But such plain roofs as piety could raise,
And only vocal with the Maker’s praise.
In these lone walls (their days eternal bound)
These moss-grown domes with spiry turrets crown’d,
Where awful arches make a noonday night,
And the dim windows shed a solemn light;
Thy eyes diffus’d a reconciling ray,
And gleams of glory brighten’d all the day.
But now no face divine contentment wears,
‘Tis all blank sadness, or continual tears.
See how the force of others’ pray’rs I try,
(O pious fraud of am’rous charity!)
But why should I on others’ pray’rs depend?
Come thou, my father, brother, husband, friend!
Ah let thy handmaid, sister, daughter move,
And all those tender names in one, thy love!
The darksome pines that o’er yon rocks reclin’d
Wave high, and murmur to the hollow wind,
The wand’ring streams that shine between the hills,
The grots that echo to the tinkling rills,
The dying gales that pant upon the trees,
The lakes that quiver to the curling breeze;
No more these scenes my meditation aid,
Or lull to rest the visionary maid.
But o’er the twilight groves and dusky caves,
Long-sounding aisles, and intermingled graves,
Black Melancholy sits, and round her throws
A death-like silence, and a dread repose:
Her gloomy presence saddens all the scene,
Shades ev’ry flow’r, and darkens ev’ry green,
Deepens the murmur of the falling floods,
And breathes a browner horror on the woods.

Yet here for ever, ever must I stay;
Sad proof how well a lover can obey!
Death, only death, can break the lasting chain;
And here, ev’n then, shall my cold dust remain,
Here all its frailties, all its flames resign,
And wait till ‘tis no sin to mix with thine.

Ah wretch! believ’d the spouse of God in vain,
Confess’d within the slave of love and man.
Assist me, Heav’n! but whence arose that pray’r?
Sprung it from piety, or from despair?
Ev’n here, where frozen chastity retires,
Love finds an altar for forbidden fires.
I ought to grieve, but cannot what I ought;
I mourn the lover, not lament the fault;
I view my crime, but kindle at the view,
Repent old pleasures, and solicit new;
Now turn’d to Heav’n, I weep my past offence,
Now think of thee, and curse my innocence.
Of all affliction taught a lover yet,
‘Tis sure the hardest science to forget!
How shall I lose the sin, yet keep the sense,
And love th’ offender, yet detest th’ offence?
How the dear object from the crime remove,
Or how distinguish penitence from love?
Unequal task! a passion to resign,
For hearts so touch’d, so pierc’d, so lost as mine.
Ere such a soul regains its peaceful state,
How often must it love, how often hate!
How often hope, despair, resent, regret,
Conceal, disdain — do all things but forget.
But let Heav’n seize it, all at once ‘tis fir’d;
Not touch’d, but rapt; not waken’d, but inspir’d!
Oh come! oh teach me nature to subdue,
Renounce my love, my life, myself — and you.
Fill my fond heart with God alone, for he
Alone can rival, can succeed to thee.

How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
“Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;”
Desires compos’d, affections ever ev’n,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav’n.
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
And whisp’ring angels prompt her golden dreams.
For her th’ unfading rose of Eden blooms,
And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes,
For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,
For her white virgins hymeneals sing,
To sounds of heav’nly harps she dies away,
And melts in visions of eternal day.

Far other dreams my erring soul employ,
Far other raptures, of unholy joy:
When at the close of each sad, sorrowing day,
Fancy restores what vengeance snatch’d away,
Then conscience sleeps, and leaving nature free,
All my loose soul unbounded springs to thee.
Oh curs’d, dear horrors of all-conscious night!
How glowing guilt exalts the keen delight!
Provoking Daemons all restraint remove,
And stir within me every source of love.
I hear thee, view thee, gaze o’er all thy charms,
And round thy phantom glue my clasping arms.
I wake — no more I hear, no more I view,
The phantom flies me, as unkind as you.
I call aloud; it hears not what I say;
I stretch my empty arms; it glides away.
To dream once more I close my willing eyes;
Ye soft illusions, dear deceits, arise!
Alas, no more — methinks we wand’ring go
Through dreary wastes, and weep each other’s woe,
Where round some mould’ring tower pale ivy creeps,
And low-brow’d rocks hang nodding o’er the deeps.
Sudden you mount, you beckon from the skies;
Clouds interpose, waves roar, and winds arise.
I shriek, start up, the same sad prospect find,
And wake to all the griefs I left behind.

For thee the fates, severely kind, ordain
A cool suspense from pleasure and from pain;
Thy life a long, dead calm of fix’d repose;
No pulse that riots, and no blood that glows.
Still as the sea, ere winds were taught to blow,
Or moving spirit bade the waters flow;
Soft as the slumbers of a saint forgiv’n,
And mild as opening gleams of promis’d heav’n.

Come, Abelard! for what hast thou to dread?
The torch of Venus burns not for the dead.
Nature stands check’d; Religion disapproves;
Ev’n thou art cold — yet Eloisa loves.
Ah hopeless, lasting flames! like those that burn
To light the dead, and warm th’ unfruitful urn.

What scenes appear where’er I turn my view?
The dear ideas, where I fly, pursue,
Rise in the grove, before the altar rise,
Stain all my soul, and wanton in my eyes.
I waste the matin lamp in sighs for thee,
Thy image steals between my God and me,
Thy voice I seem in ev’ry hymn to hear,
With ev’ry bead I drop too soft a tear.
When from the censer clouds of fragrance roll,
And swelling organs lift the rising soul,
One thought of thee puts all the pomp to flight,
Priests, tapers, temples, swim before my sight:
In seas of flame my plunging soul is drown’d,
While altars blaze, and angels tremble round.

While prostrate here in humble grief I lie,
Kind, virtuous drops just gath’ring in my eye,
While praying, trembling, in the dust I roll,
And dawning grace is op’ning on my soul:
Come, if thou dar’st, all charming as thou art!
Oppose thyself to Heav’n; dispute my heart;
Come, with one glance of those deluding eyes
Blot out each bright idea of the skies;
Take back that grace, those sorrows, and those tears;
Take back my fruitless penitence and pray’rs;
Snatch me, just mounting, from the blest abode;
Assist the fiends, and tear me from my God!

No, fly me, fly me, far as pole from pole;
Rise Alps between us! and whole oceans roll!
Ah, come not, write not, think not once of me,
Nor share one pang of all I felt for thee.
Thy oaths I quit, thy memory resign;
Forget, renounce me, hate whate’er was mine.
Fair eyes, and tempting looks (which yet I view!)
Long lov’d, ador’d ideas, all adieu!
Oh Grace serene! oh virtue heav’nly fair!
Divine oblivion of low-thoughted care!
Fresh blooming hope, gay daughter of the sky!
And faith, our early immortality!
Enter, each mild, each amicable guest;
Receive, and wrap me in eternal rest!

See in her cell sad Eloisa spread,
Propp’d on some tomb, a neighbour of the dead.
In each low wind methinks a spirit calls,
And more than echoes talk along the walls.
Here, as I watch’d the dying lamps around,
From yonder shrine I heard a hollow sound.
“Come, sister, come!” (it said, or seem’d to say)
“Thy place is here, sad sister, come away!
Once like thyself, I trembled, wept, and pray’d,
Love’s victim then, though now a sainted maid:
But all is calm in this eternal sleep;
Here grief forgets to groan, and love to weep,
Ev’n superstition loses ev’ry fear:
For God, not man, absolves our frailties here.”

I come, I come! prepare your roseate bow’rs,
Celestial palms, and ever-blooming flow’rs.
Thither, where sinners may have rest, I go,
Where flames refin’d in breasts seraphic glow:
Thou, Abelard! the last sad office pay,
And smooth my passage to the realms of day;
See my lips tremble, and my eye-balls roll,
Suck my last breath, and catch my flying soul!
Ah no — in sacred vestments may’st thou stand,
The hallow’d taper trembling in thy hand,
Present the cross before my lifted eye,
Teach me at once, and learn of me to die.
Ah then, thy once-lov’d Eloisa see!
It will be then no crime to gaze on me.
See from my cheek the transient roses fly!
See the last sparkle languish in my eye!
Till ev’ry motion, pulse, and breath be o’er;
And ev’n my Abelard be lov’d no more.
O Death all-eloquent! you only prove
What dust we dote on, when ‘tis man we love.

Then too, when fate shall thy fair frame destroy,
(That cause of all my guilt, and all my joy)
In trance ecstatic may thy pangs be drown’d,
Bright clouds descend, and angels watch thee round,
From op’ning skies may streaming glories shine,
And saints embrace thee with a love like mine.

May one kind grave unite each hapless name,
And graft my love immortal on thy fame!
Then, ages hence, when all my woes are o’er,
When this rebellious heart shall beat no more;
If ever chance two wand’ring lovers brings
To Paraclete’s white walls and silver springs,
O’er the pale marble shall they join their heads,
And drink the falling tears each other sheds;
Then sadly say, with mutual pity mov’d,
“Oh may we never love as these have lov’d!”

From the full choir when loud Hosannas rise,
And swell the pomp of dreadful sacrifice,
Amid that scene if some relenting eye
Glance on the stone where our cold relics lie,
Devotion’s self shall steal a thought from Heav’n,
One human tear shall drop and be forgiv’n.
And sure, if fate some future bard shall join
In sad similitude of griefs to mine,
Condemn’d whole years in absence to deplore,
And image charms he must behold no more;
Such if there be, who loves so long, so well;
Let him our sad, our tender story tell;
The well-sung woes will soothe my pensive ghost;
He best can paint ‘em, who shall feel ‘em most.

”

—	“eloisa to abelard” by Alexander Pope

2009-12-13T21:27:00.000-08:00

Rest your tired head,
Dream of better times,
Pray for them ahead.
Time to leave the past,
Disapointment and heartbreak to bed.
Clear your mind of childish games and awaken to the world before you.

2009-12-12T21:27:00.000-08:00

“gosh i admire your blunt sexuality”

—

when I miss you the most...

2009-12-12T21:25:00.000-08:00

When the lips that kiss me goodnight fumble

When the hand I reach for isn’t yours
When the warmth in my bed is not from you
And the eyes I wake to are not the ones I had once hoped for
This is when I miss you the most

tick... tick... tick.....

2009-12-11T21:24:00.000-08:00

… time is louder than ever …